happening days in a way haha. is officially the next day now since its past 12. so anyway, yesterday i slept at 3+ am in the morn, and woke up at 6+ am to join my leadership and team building project grp 'the angelic 7' for their project trial run with the teachers of st nicks girls sch pri. they've done well... am proud of them. a tinge of regret that i chose to give up and run away and thus have no part in their success.. think they've really done very well. their ideas are good. they've accomplished what i had thought wld be very difficult to accomplish. in other words. i doubted them. i doubted us. i've always been one full of doubts... an area i must work to overcome in my extended 'break'.

after that, by God's grace, tho i didnt have an appointment with the dean of accountancy (my friend was saying if no appointment highly unlikely that the dean will entertain me. but God has His ways... He does. Its whether we choose to trust Him and acknowledge Him... i shld know, i've been a doubting lukewarm christian my whole life, and i dont like this position of mine. i want to grow. i want to be certain of my salvation in Jesus Christ. to be doubtless of my personal relationship with Him. and that is my heart's desire which i shall also work towards to this extended break... and God is good, for He has put a person in my life such that i now have a greater reason to seek Him, and have someone to do quiet time with... it makes a world of a difference. Thank you Lord. You are amazing... help me to trust You more and more. and also... He has finally given me the support of a group of christians where i feel at ease and feel a sense of belonging to... i love my monday cell group which my dear mama huifang set up a few months ago, and which to date i've only attended thrice. BUT i know i love the grp.. esp after the recent cell grp meeting on monday with the girls. huifang, meiping, (my 27 year old lawyer cousin who lives a few doors away from me hahaha) annie, shu ling, yue ning, lydia, joyce... rocks :) at last... at last He has answered my prayers. i guess He was trying to see how patient i would be... hee.. fang's such a dear for setting up this cell... for takin time off and investing her life in us... in me... to think i've known her for less than a year, and she's made such an impact in my life. i'd love to intro her to all of you my beloved friends... :) she's special. one of a kind. i love her. she's been so persistent thruout this period.. never letting me go tho i daoed her to the extreme... no face and courage to meet her,,, anyway, felt like i learnt so so much on monday during cell! i'm just longing for mondays to come now so that i can learn more... cell's a time of honest charing btw God''s children, a time of fellowship as we share, and seek Him together... singing praises unto Him together and reading His Word. but i digress. in addition, i feel like God has given me a new hunger for His Word... thats been one of my struggles thru the years. not wanting to read the Word. finding it boring and all. but now its actually 2+ am and after talking to wei siong for a while (he went off for lessons under the impression that i was gonna go sleep haha) i actually took out my bible to read. reading 1 John. many interesting verses that i'd like to chare with all... hee. but yah as i was reading.. i felt like blogging... blogging abt my faith has been something that i've been meaning to do for so many days but somehow still haven gotten down to doing... oops... i've so so so much to say/explain/clarify abt this... i guess some might wonder what kind of a christian i am, that i wld actually think of committing suicide, a big no-no, a huge sin. i used to have very high expectations of christians and i only realise now after all this, just how idealistic i really am. i've never felt worthy of caling myself a christian cos i felt unworthy.. i was afraid pple wld look at me and hence be turned off by christianity cos i was such a sinful living testimony for God. and so i never dared to wear the cross either. in addition, as i said earlier, i'm a person who doubts... and doubts a lot. i questioned how true and sincere was my faith in God... whether i indeed have a relationship with my saviour. i can say firmly now that i do. the moment i accepted Jesus into my life many years ago (tho i was baptized as a catholic from birth, but i've been attending christian services since young), my personal relationship with Him began that very instant... although it may have stagnated becos i didnt put in effort to seek God and to grow. in a sense la. haha. the point is, i now realise that being a christian doesnt mean i have to be perfect and blameless and sinless... its impossible. only Jesus was sinless and perfect. i, am a sinner. i'm imperfect. tho i've accepted Christ, i will still sin at times... but so long as i am truly repentent and sincerely beg God's forgiveness... i believe He will still forgive and accept me. and so.. i think i'm finally beginning to have the courage to call myself a christian. a child of God. i want to wear the cross to remind myself of Jesus' ultimate sacrifice for me... and for you, and for the entire world.its your own choice whether to accept Him.. and accepting Him is frankly, not easy at all. i can only pray that in His own time, HE will soften the hearts of my beloved non christian friends and prepare them to accept Him...for me, maybe this is the time when i'm finally ready to accept Him wholeheartedly. no turning back. i want to get water baptized as a christian.. i never thought i'd want/dare/feel worthy to... but i felt i wanted to when i finally went back to church (Bethel Assembly of God at aljunied. all u my dear friends are welcome at any time to come visit with me... :) ) on sunday... and i also felt that i want to go on a mission trip. now u must understand that i always felt unworthy to go on such trips, cos my own faith is so weak and i have so mnay doubts... i'll end up stumbling pple instead lor... i felt such trips were only meant for mature christians, definitely not for me this toddler christian. and so its quite a miracle in a way that i'd suddenly feel a desire to go on a mission trip. everything's really so amazing. i really hope that this is the turning point of not just my spiritual walk with God, but my life as well... :) well. we'll see hos things go yah... God has His ways, and His plans are always the best for us, tho we being finite beings cannot comprehend our infinite creator. so thats where faith and trust comes in.... which requires much time to build up. so fret and despair not... ok i must bear that in mind myself. hehe. :)

i've still so much to say but i'll continue another time. suffice to say, somehow God has straightend out my thinking to a certain extent... the turning point day being my birthday. i also cant explain how this change in me has come about... ah wells. i just hope that this new me is here for good and here to stay, and that the jialing of the past few months never resurfaces again. for that jialing is ultra freaky. and destructive. hurting pple ard her and herself... yet in a way, if not for that period of time, i wldnt have realised a lot of things? wldnt experience this new lease of life? so i guess, as usual, there's a purpose for everything... sometimes we're fortunate to be able to see the reason for something after its happened, sometimes God chooses not to reveal it to us. thats when its hard to believe Him and admit that He's in control when things dont go our way... but He always is in control. its just that His thoughts are not our thoughts, thus His ways are not our ways. we must have faith and trust that whwatever He does, is only for the very best for us... :) for He loves us. He is love. :)

ok to carry on with the description of my day... after speaking with the dean (nice christian lady.. i took a pic with her too!! hehe. ) i went to get my mapp profile from the office of student life (which says i'm self centered ah wells so i must try to change.. )then went down to nus! hehe. i see myself going down quite a few more times :) this time i went to see dear jacjac... had a lovely time with her... i was being crazy and hyper... laugh and laugh ... take many photos... hehehe... just talking and laughing... thank you God for blessing me with her friendship :) then after that saw ah pui, and visited her hostel :) that woman... was good to see her again. glad to know she regards me as a good friend, for i've always regarded her as my good friend too.. way before she regarded me as hers i shld think ahahhaa. :D girl ah, if u see this, do STUDY HARD and JIAYOU! oh this applies to many actually.. .hehe... jac fi gab etc... :) oh oh... how cld i leave someone's name out... hehe.. .u know who u are my dear :)

reached home at like 10.20 pm. and in all honesty, i was feeling somewhat out of sorts towards the end of the day... seeing everyone mugging in her hostel... the reality of going back to sch.. .the stress... i'm scared... haha. guess i can only pray for God to help me let go... :)

but the amazing thing is i'm fine now. as i type all this, i'm listening to disc one of the hillsongs 'for all You've done' cd... which jac dear helped me get back from jos ng. hee. i love the songs on this disc! :)

shall stop here for now and blog more another day... for i've so so so much to say and share... to share with all who dun mind me sharing... i'm sorry if all this christian stuff made anyone feel uncomfortable, but these are really my heartfelt thoughts :)

This is how we know what love is: Christ gave His life for us. 1 John 3:16

My children, our love should not be just words and talk; it must be true love, which shows itself in action. 1 John 3:18

(from the good news bible in today's english version)

With all I am

Into Your hand, I commit again.
All I am, for You, Lord.
You hold my world, in the palm of Your hand.
And I am Yours, forever.

Jesus, I believe in You.
Jesus, I belong to you.
You're the reason that I live, the reason that I sing, with all I am.

I'll walk with you, wherever You go.
Through tears and joys, I'll trust in You.
And I will live, in all of Your ways and Your promises, forever.

I will worship, I will worship You.

and this song is my prayer unto You Lord. Renew me i pray.