ok, a slightly happier post for once.
was showering just now.. and dunno why i suddenly felt a sense of normalcy.. away from those depressing thoughts.. i was actually thinking abt upcoming friends' bdays. and feeling a tinge of badness at all those bdays just past which i didnt forget but just didnt do anything, send any greeting. yup i'm really hiding from the world... all the unanswered calls and unreplied sms-es... what's wrong with jialing man...
so the days are spent at home... bumming.. slacking.. stoning... thinking... and actually not thinking also. watching tv. only talk to one person... whom i cant not talk to but think it would be better for that person to not talk to me.
in a weird sense, i guess these days are special in their own way... its like slack slack slack waste time in between waiting for those particular moments. hur hur. where time passes bear-ably, more than bearably... :)
no one will ever know me. whatever i write and say anywhere automatically goes through a filter and censor... i'll never dare to say what i've really been and am still thinking abt these days. even if i pen thoughts down in my diary, i dunno if i have the guts to be truly frank with myself. for once. its like.. expressing such horrible thoughts down on paper really confirms u as that horrible person u know yourself to be, but which others do not. and tho u know u're horrid... u kin of want to live in self-denial and not officially admit to yourself that u're that horrid.
thank you fi for patience and love and care for an undeserving dao person.
was showering just now.. and dunno why i suddenly felt a sense of normalcy.. away from those depressing thoughts.. i was actually thinking abt upcoming friends' bdays. and feeling a tinge of badness at all those bdays just past which i didnt forget but just didnt do anything, send any greeting. yup i'm really hiding from the world... all the unanswered calls and unreplied sms-es... what's wrong with jialing man...
so the days are spent at home... bumming.. slacking.. stoning... thinking... and actually not thinking also. watching tv. only talk to one person... whom i cant not talk to but think it would be better for that person to not talk to me.
in a weird sense, i guess these days are special in their own way... its like slack slack slack waste time in between waiting for those particular moments. hur hur. where time passes bear-ably, more than bearably... :)
no one will ever know me. whatever i write and say anywhere automatically goes through a filter and censor... i'll never dare to say what i've really been and am still thinking abt these days. even if i pen thoughts down in my diary, i dunno if i have the guts to be truly frank with myself. for once. its like.. expressing such horrible thoughts down on paper really confirms u as that horrible person u know yourself to be, but which others do not. and tho u know u're horrid... u kin of want to live in self-denial and not officially admit to yourself that u're that horrid.
thank you fi for patience and love and care for an undeserving dao person.
1 Comments:
dear girl..yu aren't as horrid as you make yourself out to be. God made all things beautiful, including yu and i! :) having horrible thoughts is something we'll constantly stuggle against, be strong yah? and yu can't be all that horrid cos we still love yu :) [and don't say that's cos we dunno what or how you really are like, it's not true :)]
And, yu aren't undeserving yu silly goose :) yu're my friend and i'm sticking with yu! :D hee :) -huggles- :)
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